The western half of the bracket gave us a lively start to Round Two. Let’s see if the East can measure up!

In the second round, there are five judges for each ‘region.’ The panel’s judgment will count for 50% of the vote, with each judge representing 10% of the overall total. The other 50% is based on the popular vote via the public polls below, so make sure to cast your votes! The judging panels for today are as follows:

Northeast

@kensofer
@laurenist
@paulmcleary
@rei_tang
@zoonpolitikon

Southeast

@aelkus
@EricMartin24
@juliaaberman
@jasminchill
@rockrichard

Northeast

Southeast

And now for the day one results!

Northwest

**(1) @texasinafrica: 67%, five of five judges
(8) @drfarls: 33%, zero of five judges

@texasinafrica shows no signs of slowing down as she cruises to an easy victory in round two.

**(5) @hayesbrown: 66%, 2.5 of five judges
(4) @zackbeauchamp: 34%, 2.5 of five judges

The panel of five judges managed to split evenly on this one, but the popular vote wins it for @hayesbrown.

**(11) @InkSptsGulliver: 42%, three of five judges
(3) @tweetsintheme: 58%, two of five judges

In a close race, @InkSptsGulliver just manages to squeak by popular poll-winner @tweetsintheme by taking three of the five judges’ votes.

(7) @stephaniecarvin: 55%, one of five judges
**(15) @lesley_warner: 45%, four of five judges

@stephaniecarvin gets the edge in the popular vote, but four of five judges go for @lesley_warner to give her the win and keep the 15 seed’s Cinderella story alive.

Southwest

**(1) @blakehounshell: 64%, three of five judges
(8) @max_fisher: 36%, two of five judges

The one seed remains strong enough to take out the competition.

**(5) @speechboy71: 50%, four of five judges
(4) @emptywheel: 50%, one of five judges

With a perfect 50/50 split in the popular vote, @speechboy71 takes this one on the strength of the judges’ decision.

**(11) @JasonFritz1: 51%, three of five judges
(14) @khanserai: 49%, two of five judges

@khanserai pulled out all the stops, but it wasn’t quite enough to overcome @JasonFritz1.

**(10) @lrozen: 43%, four of five judges
(2) @abuaardvark: 57%, one of five judges

@abuaardvark’s slight edge in the popular vote isn’t enough to make up for his silence on Twitter this week, as four of five judges give the match to @lrozen.

And here are your judges’ ballots:

Northwest

@AthertonKD

For my objective criterion, I went entirely with the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness. Few competitors took this to heart, which is fine. The pyramid stands alone.

(1) @TexasInAfrica
(8) @DrFarls

Texas is the Chipotle of American States. Sure, it’s better than average, but the gulf between how good evangelists claim it to be and how good it actually is is vast. Normally this would weigh my vote, but both contestants were able to speak to the finer points of New Mexico, so I can stow that hatchet away for another day.

Farls openly challenges convention, supporting Pirates, opposing Texas, and blood sports as COIN. Seay combines good memory with her pandering, was covering the country of Africa long before you were correcting me for calling it a country, and she also throws her considerable klout behind #HireMonday. Speaking as a millenial who spent too much time in the trenches of the great recession, this last point is invaluable. It also happens well outside of #TFC tournaments, and while it’s been pandery during this contest, it’s origins are altruistic. In the way that seeding a vast network of young and indebted national security thinkers is altruistic. It was a close call, but #HireMonday sealed this. Seay by an inch.

(5) @HayesBrown
(4) @ZackBeauchamp

This was a brutal fight, that opened with an ugly showdown about zombies, BlogTarkin, fiction, and metaphor that left no contestant looking anything like pretty. After that followed a long race to the left, where the messy reality of dictators existing was thrown against America’s most perfect and inconvenient ideals. They also humored me by debating League of Nations vs League of Extraordinary Gentleman, though there was some confusion about the rules. There was bribery and impassioned speech, as the house of Progress shook to its very foundation. This was a Magneto-vs-Xavier duel, and where Beauchamp mustered a long ideological defense, Brown picked it apart in progress with reaction .gif after reaction .gif. If .gif fighting is wrong, Millenials will never be right. Brown has my vote.

(11) @InkSptsGulliver
(3) @TweetsInTheME

Great additions to any feed lacking in realtalk (Clausewitzian and North African, respectively), but the contest today complete fell apart when Gulliver went full Greenwald. You never go full Greenwald. Lebovich takes it.

(7) @StephanieCarvin
(15) @Lesley_Warner

Both are formidable and talented scholars that you should be following. But Lesley Warner showed up, fought all day, and did so on Carvin’s turf, with artful cupcakes thrown like punches. Warner, no contest.

@Doctrine_Man

(1) @texasinafrica
(8) @drfarls

@TexasinAfrica. Aside from the fact she uses a gas barbecue in Texas, it’s hard to find fault in @TexasinAfrica. With all due respect to her opponent, keeping up with @TexasinAfrica is a full-time job that would challenge any of us. Hands down, this one goes to the number one seed in the bracket.

(5) @hayesbrown
(4) @zackbeauchamp

@HayesBrown. They say that some of us have a bias toward others who look like them. @HayesBrown could be a cartoon character in The Further Adventures of Doctrine Man!! Oh, and he’s a bombastic Twittermaniac, which doesn’t hurt. @ZackBeauchamp was close on his heels every minute of the matchup, but a last-ditch, GIF-encrusted rendition of Spamalot proved to be the difference in the end. Well played, @HayesBrown. Well played.

(11) @InkSptsGulliver
(3) @tweetsintheme

@InkSptsGulliver. The matchup between Gulliver and @TweetsintheME was about as close as it get in Twitter Fight Club. Both are relevant, communicate in sharp, concise bursts of 140-character genius, and hit hard on issues that matter the most. The difference is the ‘snark’ level, where — in the upset of the bracket — Gulliver edges his worthy opponent by a nose… or a character or two in Twitter-ese.

(7) @stephaniecarvin
(15) @lesley_warner

@StephanieCarvin. Mmm… cupcakes. @Lesley_Warner is going to be a force to be reckoned with one day soon, but her opponent has opened up a substantial lead in the Twitterverse, combining a penchant for the world of international relations with a certain snakorific ability to strike with panache and punch. Did I mention cupcakes?

@dohoBOB

(1) @texasinafrica

Laura really brought her A-game today and maintained an even amount of legitimate news/worthy tweets and competitive fight. I’m not partial because she’s female or a Texan, although both don’t hurt, but because she’s ridiculously smart, specializing in a really important field. #AfricaPivot, FTW.

(5) @hayesbrown
(4) @zackbeauchamp

I legitimately cannot decide. I think it was a very equal match-up with some great sh*t talking, and, er, *interesting* gifs. Both pandered well so I’m pulling a Switzerland.

(11) @InkSptsGulliver

Reading his tweets is like that time I read “Ghost Wars”: A LOT of acronyms and history that requires me spending 20 minutes reading 10K characters to figure out everything he mentioned in one damn tweet of 140. That alone warrants recognition. Also, who doesn’t love CvC? Probably terrorists, but that’s why he doing us all a patriotic service.

(15) @lesley_warner

Aside from @stephaniecarvin actually conceding (that helped my decision), I have to give Lesley my vote since she literally out-tweeted her opponent. Tweeted her into submission. And Stephanie has some serious credentials, like two books, so isn’t that enough? I’m Robin Hood-ing my vote and giving it to the contestant that can use this on their resume in case that PhD doesn’t pan out.

@JDanaStuster

As a grateful 1^st-round knockout, I’m thrilled to be judging. Thanks to @caidid for putting this together and letting me participate.

(1) @texasinafrica vs. (8) @drfarls

@texasinafrica is a true pro at Twitter Fight Club. Truly a natural, with just the right balance of professionalism and pandering. She just knows how this works. In terms of professional content, @texasinafrica had an unfair advantage. It was a busy day in the CAR, and a very good day to finally (and, yes I know, very belatedly) start following her.

@drfarls had some good moments and some missed opportunities. He went on HuffPo Live and then didn’t use it to take TFC cross-platform. Or at least he said he didn’t. I don’t know – like everyone else, I don’t actually watch HuffPo Live. @texasinafrica’s “he likes pirates” line of attack definitely backfired, as I harbor somewhat secret (2.5 beers, so really not a secret at all) desire to give up on my chosen career path and become a privateer. It is my understanding that he has the more impressive beard. And as @texasinafrica was getting a bit lazy, he went and did this. Damn, that’s serious (and seriously adorable) devotion to TFC.

It had the makings of a Cinderella story come-from-behind upset, and then he started livetweeting. I cannot abide livetweeting. The day belongs to @texasinafrica.

(5) @hayesbrown vs. (4) @zackbeauchamp

Full disclosure: I like Hayes and hadn’t gotten around to following @zackbeauchamp until today. When I had questions about the United Nations (for an article about Batman, obviously), I went to Hayes. Hayes is a good man, and I came into this one biased.

And I was disappointed.

Hayes: What happened to you, man? By your own admission, you were having an off day. Boy howdy, were you ever. You come in and start trying to take down @zackbeauchamp for writing about zombies as an extended metaphor for society? It’s like I don’t even know you anymore. And then you managed to be both elitist (“he doesn’t pronounce his French name properly, harrumph” (apparently MS Word autocorrects to harrumph with two r’s; now you know)), and anti-intellectual (he uses too many big words and “bloviates”? Hayes, it’s Twitter! It doesn’t get more self-indulgent than this! You even tweeted a picture of your lunch! It’s all bloviating!). Hayes, you didn’t even use a particularly good “Haters gonna hate” meme. You were ready to surrender to the cephalopods!

You almost redeemed yourself this afternoon with an excellent round of gif-sparring, and I do love a good etymology, but it just didn’t do it in the end. (This picture from @darth sums it up pretty well.) You had the content, so did @zackbeauchamp, but you disappointed. I’m sorry, Hayes. I’m so sorry. I’m voting for @zackbeauchamp. Here’s hoping you have a better day next year. You can still borrow my copy of Justice League International if you want.

(11) @InkSptsGulliver vs. (3) @tweetsintheme

This had the potential to be a good match, and got off to a decent start with some beard-fighting. And that’s more or less where it ended. InkSpts might have had one of the best jokes of the day, but as much as I like a good curmudgeon, sometimes I feel he strays into the hypercritical-for-the-sake-of-being-hypercritical territory. I’m conflicted on this one and have to draw on their larger opus – there just wasn’t much of a showing today – and say @tweetsintheme usually is more insightful. In today’s fight, though, we all lost.

(7) @stephaniecarvin vs. (15) @lesley_warner

Once again, fortune favored the Africa expert – in that there was a coup, so go ahead and feel guilty, @lesley_warner, because you might’ve won my vote because of the overthrow of a government. I enjoy @stephaniecarvin’s tweets. They’re informative, wide-ranging, and reliably fun – for example, this (oh, Canada, you’re so charming). But @lesley_warner was bringing it with the substance today, and also cleverly turned @stephaniecarvin’s cupcake obsession on her. @lesley_warner nearly lost me by periodically and without context tweeting “Bazinga,” which is an unfunny line from the least funny show on TV, but for the most part she was fun and engaging, whereas @stephaniecarvin went for the jugular. For Christ’s sake, this is TFC, not the American Political Science Review – and that was just a straight up brag, not even trying for a humblebrag – and then moving on to using killing baby seals for wi-fi? I’m no electrical engineer, but that…I just…now I’m sad.

True story: Stephanie Carvin once walked past my desk in real life. It was about two years ago and she stopped by to meet my then-boss. They chatted for about 10 minutes. I think there were cupcakes. If there were, I didn’t receive any.

Hey, @lesley_warner, this one goes to you for being a solid follow and for keeping it civil.

And that’s it. This ballot is already late (sorry, Caitlin!) so I’m not proofreading and will regret this later. If you have any problems with my methods, too bad.

@wjrue

If Twitter Fight Club was the World Cup, the Northwest region would be the group of death. My feed was a bloodbath before I even finished my first coffee. All eight contenders took the “fight” in Twitter Fight Club very seriously and spent the day throwing rhetorical haymakers. Each of the contenders brought their A-game today (even @inksptsgulliver who hasn’t been on Twitter much of late). It was a real treat watching my feed today and each of these matches was extremely close.

My metric is a secret, much like Nate Silver’s algorithms. I plugged everyone into a program I wrote but can’t share and what follows is the result. Just trust me, it’s legit.

I wish none of them had to face each other and could continue in the tournament. But, this is the Thunderdome, not some new-age children’s sports league where everyone gets a trophy. Losing builds character.

(1) @texasinafrica
(8) @drfarls

This was the Harvard-Yale match-up of the day. Two super smart PhDs getting after it, no holds barred. On the one hand, @drfarls is an avowed navalist and supporter of my beloved Corps. Combined with the fact that @texasinafrica doesn’t acknowledge white queso as the supreme form of melted cheese, and @drfarls has the strong advantage here. But, my vote goes to @texasinafrica—her irrational hatred of white queso notwithstanding—for a couple of reasons. One, she stated her unequivocal support for sleeves up, and two, I was given an order to vote for her by my twitter squad leader @brettfriedman and I followed it.

(5) @hayesbrown
(4) @zackbeauchamp

These two middleweights sparred without interruption all day. The stamina of these two young guns was impressive. @hayesbrown scored major points by conducting an insider cyber attack, tweeting out an endorsement for himself under his opponent’s handle. Such bold, daring action will go down in TFC lore. But, @zackbeauchamp is a fellow alumnus of the LSE and his feed is my go-to feed when I start longing IR410 and need a dose of political theory. Sorry, @hayesbrown.

(11) @InkSptsGulliver
(3) @tweetsintheme

The heavyweights, battle of the beards. At one point, @inksptsgulliver was fighting a two-front war against @tweetsintheme and his proxy, the recently vanquished @daveedgr. In my judgment, @inksptsgulliver fought both his opponents to a draw, and since he was fighting two people, he gets my vote. @tweetsintheme’s consolation prize is acceptance to Columbia University’s PhD program so I think he’ll be okay. Congrats, Andrew

(7) @stephaniecarvin
(15) @lesley_warner

I didn’t start following @lesley_warner until I saw that I would be judging her. She was highly impressive. She even used cupcakes (!!) against her opponent. And she put a DoD press release in my feed announcing the Marine’s lieutenant general officer assignments. Combined with @stephaniecarvin’s concession at the end of the night, @lesley_warner moves into the Sweet Sixteen, a Cinderella story.

Southwest

@CrispinBurke

They’re both talented and knowledgeable; and though Abu Aardvark’s expertise is more specified, Laura’s background gives her a broader knowledge base is more broad. Still, Abu Aardvark has the necessary snark to put him over the top. Laura Rozen? Well, she’s become a respectable journalist

Winner: @AbuAardvark

@dan_e_solo

Alas, the Hebraic celebration of the pascal lamb, or something, limited today’s Twitter Fight Club adjudicating; I found myself down to the proverbial wire, streaming TFC contestant feeds for missed bribes, discreet baby photos, and Instagrammed versions of the Passover meal. Prior to the Thrilling 34′s kickoff, I specified the terms of my support: babies, Passover jokes, tweets in poetic form (haikus, rap couplets, excerpted sonnets), and food porn. By this criteria, which is the best criteria, y’all better recognize, the Southwestern field lacked substance, style, and panache. The field’s poor performance notwithstanding, let’s take a qualitative, process-traced peak at each matchup.

(1) @blakehounshell vs. (8) max_fisher

Let’s be real: this matchup was a non-event. I mean that colloquially, as well as epistemologically: it’s difficult to know, at a very fundamental level, whether Blake Hounshell, that wizard of the baby photo, and Max Fisher, a bearded ninja of aggregated foreign policy analysis, actually acknowledge TFC’s existence. This is all well and good, as they’re much too successful for our lowly potshots, but their epistemic emptiness leaves the committed TFC spectator with a deep, pervasive sense of melancholy. As far as TFC is concerned, Blake and Max’s exchanges read like a Samuel Beckett play, if Samuel Beckett had written a Dan Harmon Community episode:

Blake: Ah, yes, a yoghurt baby.

Max: Pfft. Leonard, what say you?

Leonard: Pfft.

Blake: Yoghurt, yes, Kurds.

All in all, though, I suspect Blake’s @DavidYHounshell’s “parody” account, a transparent attempt to subtweet a TFC victory, takes the cake. One day, Blake will be unseated, but this will not be that day. Victor: @blakehounshell.

(5) @speechboy71 vs. (4) emptywheel

In contrast to the top-seed context, @speechboy71, the pugilistic Michael Cohen, vs. @emptywheel, Marcy Wheeler’s intrepid avatar, is a bit harder to judge. Ultimately, any qualitative analysis carries a normative bias, and value-based judgments are, to a certain extent, inevitable. If you read my feed, I’m transparently a Yankee, both in sports affiliation (1998 was my first season-of-interest) and in my perspectives towards the sub-Mason-Dixon. As far as I can tell, @emptywheel was tweeting from eastern Kentucky, where I never hope to visit.

Meanwhile, she tossed barbs at @speechboy71 for enjoying a New York birthday dinner, the menu of which included a halibut dish with truffles, Yukon gold potatoes, and leeks. I spent the past week enjoying a filet mignon of horse from Montreal’s Joe Beef, so color me unimpressed by @emptywheel’s vitriolic screed. Victor, on culinary grounds: @speechboy71.

(11) @JasonFritz1 vs. (14) @khanserai

Another toughie, which included more baby photos than the last two, but focused too much on @khanserai’s allegedly fabricated facial hair. I appreciated @JasonFritz1′s variety, which managed to swing between the varied poles of Twitter Awesome. “Oh, a NYRB thought-piece on religious secularism? LET ME TOSS IT AT @KHANSERAI LIKE A SUPER SMASH BROS. CAPSULE.” No big deal, as they say. If the Southwestern round, in general, lacked reflections of Twitter’s artistic capabilities, @JasonFritz1′s tweets were the closest thing to it: there’s something inherently majestic about an Army vet who, after tweeting a baby photo, drops “hirsute” like it’s everybody’s business. Also, @JasonFritz1′s “bowties are cool” moment. Despite @khanserai’s indispensable commentary on countering violent extremism, the victor is clear: @JasonFritz1.

(10) @lrozen vs. (2) @abuaardvark

To paraphrase Damian, they don’t even go here!

With that said, victor: @lrozen, who tweeted about Passover, even if she’s wrong on kugel.

@dianawueger

(1) blakehounshell
(8) max_fisher

While I do appreciate that Blake brought Waffle Day to my attention, he brought it to my attention on the day I am should be tossing all leavened products from my house. Fail. And the side of his head is sorta blurry in his avatar; clean it up, hippie.

Max, on the other hand, made me less afraid of North Korea AND has a serious beard. Also Blake admitted to being a stupid head, and to his TFC opponent no less:

Clearly, Blake is not ready for TFC primetime. Also he beat me in TFC12. It’s been a year in the making, but VENGEANCE IS FINALLY MINE! Ish.

(5) speechboy71
(4) emptywheel

Blergh I don’t know. There’s a cute kid and a bulldog, and there’s a lady saying blowjob on the teevee, and somebody was promising bourbon and now it’s 9:37p and I have no bribebourbon (bribourbon?) so I’m giving this one to the bulldog. I like bulldogs. Also, @speechboy71 follows me and neither @emptywheel or her sidekick do, so I’m pretty sure that bourbon isn’t forthcoming, and there’s nothing I like less than unfulfilled promises of bourbon.

(11) jasonfritz1
(14) khanserai

This was the only match worth watching today. This was delightful, almost on par with the truly epic last round of #TFC11, except nobody promised me a pony and a gun this time.

Okay. Judging. I guess that’s what I’m here for. Let’s get down to brass tacks here and talk about what matters in Twitterfightclub: facial hair. It’s like this is the only pair in this entire division that gets it. Behold!

This is an unsolvable matrix of beardy greatness. Except for that top right corner, which, let me repeat:

But the bottom right makes up for it. But JFritz’s concrete beard had me laughing inappropriately loudly every time I looked at it. So conflicted! Even Jason’s baby doesn’t know who to pick:

But y’know, @khanserai really pulled all out the stops today and throughout #TFC13, and I gotta respect that. There were more than a few low blows, and some serious dedication to picking fights with otherwise-placid opponents. And isn’t that what twitterfighting is all about? The rest of the field could take some tips from this lady. But let’s all stick with concrete beards in the future, shall we? Much obliged.

(10) lrozen
(2) abuaardvark

Ugh, I can’t. @abuaardvark didn’t even show up today. It’s like he’s on vacation or something.

Yes. Yes, I am jealous, and also I found @lrozen’s tweets today rather useful. So point to Rozen. I guess. Whatever, I’m getting cheese fries.

(and but seriously, can we just have a JFritz/HKhan rematch next round? kthx.)

@ForbesMM

(1) @blakehounshell vs. (8) @max_fisher

A slow start from these two heavyweights. The only acknowledgement that TFC13 was even going on was a couple of half-hearted replies to the endorsement of @blakehounshell by Twitterfighting mercenary @AbuMuqawamaPMC. But it was @Max Fisher who struck first (sort of): while largely ignoring the competition, he did come on strong with a not-so-humblebrag about his own influence:

And we all know how high TIME’s standards are for this sort of thing.

Shameless self-promotion IS a core value in the TFC tradition, so two points for Max there.

I almost called this low-scoring round on the spot, but then @blakehounshell came back with a hard one-two punch: a cute kid picture combined with some straight-to-the-point smack-talk:

Oh, that’s just … graphic.

Unbeatable combo. This round goes to @blakehounshell.

(5) @speechboy71 vs. (4) @emptywheel

At least there was some head-to-head twitterfighting in this matchup in which the competitors actually acknowledged both each other and the existence of the tournament. That fact alone was almost enough to make me ignore the otherwise mild nature of the slap-fight between these two … but then it turned out that they were fighting over who hated the Yankees more, which is like arguing over who hates going to the dentist more: sure, everyone agrees with you, but it’s justzzzzzzzzzzzzz … And then the “fight” drifted into who was a True Detroit Lions fan andzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz …

In the end, this one was something of a toss-up. In fact, I was going to come up with some silly and arbitrary factor like making a joke about how @speechboy71’s Twitter handle sounds like a high school junior’s Hotmail address from 1997. Luckily, @emptywheel saved me from having to do that (and you from having to read it) by teaming up with @bmaz in the late afternoon to engage in some flagrantly overt bribery. I’m not above admitting that I can be bought, and at least she made an effort. Easy winner: @emptywheel.

(11) @JasonFritz1 vs. (14) @khanserai

Despite claiming the handicap of having to attend an all-day conference during Round 2 (or DID she??), @khanserai started off very strong, throwing down the gauntlet by reprising her successful Round 1 tactic of providing TFC13 voters with a convenient Top Ten list of reasons to vote for her. Shameless self-promotion and pandering? Check and check. Better still was @khanserai’s judo-like flipping of @JasonFritz1’s strengths-going so far as to use his own newborn daughter against him. That is ice cold.

Slow. Clap.

Fritz almost-almost!-won me over by cleverly drawing me into a conversation about tanks (well played), and by going big when the bout weirdly turned to imaginary facial hair …

To be fair, that is one glorious fake beard.

… but this round has to go to @khanserai.

(10) @lrozen vs. (2) @abuaardvark

Eking out a Round 1 victory by the sheer weight of popular votes from his 20,000+ followers, @abuaardvark was a complete no-show for Round 2. And sorry, I don’t want to hear lame-ass excuses like “I’m on vacation in Italy” or “I don’t have internet access.” Tough luck, dude. Gotta play to win. Not that there was much direct engagement activity from @lrozen either, but at least she tweeted something. Solidifying this judge’s vote, @lrozen tweeted and translated a couple news items in Russian-and I’m a sucker for foreign languages, so there you have it.

@rejectionking

@blakehounsell—His tweets are a good of FP mag and non FP mag, and seems to always tweets stories that are in depth and fun to read.

@speechboy71—I made my decision primarily on charisma. I just like the pictures of the baby with bulldogs, mixed in with insightful tweets.

@JasonFritz1— I find myself relying on him for insights about civ-mil relations and how they work in the US. Also I’m a closet CvC minutiae fan.

@lrozen- Her tweets are always a mix of insight, policy granularity, and she is always receptive to up and comers.